Dear 2016...

fuck you! Seriously, I can't think of a time I was more excited for a year to end and from the rumblings I hear from others around me, this is a shared sentiment. This was the year that convinced me that maybe ignorance (in very specific forms) really is bliss. I have always believed in the importance of staying up to date with current events, but now I am wondering if the psychological trauma of paying attention to the happenings of the modern world may just be too overwhelming to handle. It seems like you couldn't read the news without hearing about another senseless killing, ecological disaster, or the surprising upswing, around the globe, in right wing nationalism.

It is my hope that 2017 is a year of clear vision. That rather than simply attacking the godheads of the cultural sickness we call capitalism, people will begin to see that the change we need is culture wide. We, as a culture, are completely out of sync with reality and it is our greed and need for consumption that has led to the creation of those who will soon be in power. We need to recognize that regardless of how we voted, we, as a people, have created the mess we are in. I hope for compassion among all humans, and I hope that this compassion can grow to encompass the rest of the living world. In the end, we will all die and someday the planet will likely cease to support life, but let's not rush this demise. Instead, let's embrace life and again be re-enchanted by things like biodiversity. Let's listen to the sounds of bird song, the wind in the trees, the laughter of children and let these be the music that guides us forward.

On a personal level, this year kicked my ass too. Very big life decisions, which I thought would be positive, turned out to have a more detrimental effect on my life, at least in the present. The problem with making decisions that you later regret is that sometimes the momentum of change isn't something that can be stopped. You just have to hold on and pray that you come out alive on the other end. That's what I am doing now. I am ending the year lonely and heartbroken. There was an amazing lost of connection caused by a change in geography. Luckily, I have made a few new friends who have lent the year a spark of hope.

For myself, I hope that 2017 is a year of deep learning and listening. I hope to continue the growth that I have recently undergone and I hope to find more love in the people who are around me. I want to again feel that it is safe to move through the world with a heart overflowing with love. As well, I hope to continue my growing friendship with the more-than-human world. I want to gain a deeper intimacy with the places I dwell and the plants and animals who are my neighbors.

Good luck to everyone in 2017. My fingers are crossed for all of us.

Photos from the Umlauf Sculpture Gardens, Austin, TX.

 It is quite strange to watch your mother look at a sculpture of a mother and her baby son. It's like looking into a mirror that reflects what once was and will never be again.

The son of god has a moth

living in between his ribs.

11/30-Remembrance Day for Lost Species

November 30th is Remembrance Day for Lost Species. It is a day to recognize the species, of both animals and plants, that have been lost in the Sixth Great Extinction event, and look at the ways in which we, as humans, are responsible for these extinctions. As anyone who is familiar with the concepts of ecology knows, extinctions are a natural event, but what makes this large-scale extinction even unique, is that human activity is the sole cause for it. Please take a moment today to think about what has been lost, and what may be lost in the future. As far as we currently know, the planet Earth is the only celestial body capable of sustaining life, and the amazing creative impulse, that takes form in biodiversity, is surely worth saving.

We must take a hard look at our behaviors, or else the brilliant biodiversity that characterizes our planet may be lost. Is it more important to live in a world of bottomless human consumption, which is ultimately an illusion, or to recognize our place in the biosphere and begin to show respect for all other forms of life? If you have children, or plan on having children, do you want them to grow up in a world in which there is nothing left to inspire awe? Do you want your children to live in a world in which the majority of animals only exist in books or on the internet? Do you want your children to never hear the singing of birds in the trees?

Looking at the reality of the problems that currently face us, and the world at large, is a difficult and depressing feat. However, if we don't begin to closely observe our own consumptive behaviors, it may soon be too late and we may wake up one day to find we have driven ourselves to extinction.

The Romance of a Lonely Star

Often, at some point in a romantic relationship, we fool ourselves into believing that we "need" this other person. In some unnameable way, it feels as if some aspect of our very survival depends on this other, this person we have chosen to collide with.

Later, there comes a point, usually after heartbreak, when we realize that, in actuality, we do not "need" anyone other than ourselves. This realization cuts through your heart like a knife blade forged from ice. There is something painful about realizing that the only person who can save you is yourself. The loneliness of this realization is deep and ancient.

I am now realizing, again, that my continued existence in this world is up to me. For some of us, survival is nothing more than a choice.

Swimming naked at the top of a waterfall. (Photos by Erika Pallas Moore)

Lidia Yuknavitch

Paintings of a friend....

These two paintings are of my friend Jenny Pea. They were painted by Pamela Wilson. I saw them for the first time just a couple of days ago and felt the need to share them. Jenny is just as beautiful and just as tough as she looks in these paintings and as the world continues to fall apart, I am glad to have a bad ass like her on my side!

The Undoing of Jenny

Jenny Collects Cold Nests

~11/12/16~

RIP Leonard Cohen

Regardless of all the other shitty news, it's still important to take time to honor those who did good and deep work. I don't have much to say, other than that I am truly saddened to say goodbye to the brilliance that was Mr. Leonard Cohen. I'm sure he was laughing on his way out the door. RIP to a true man of words, thoughts, and emotions.

A prayer (to restore meaning to ________)

Ride a horse made of lightning until its heart explodes.
Let a city break your heart.
Gray hair and wrinkles mean wisdom and a belly full means health.
Walk into the darkness alone and explain who
you are and why you came.
Dance forever, quietly or fiercely. Dance forever!
If this is all just a dream or we do
return to  simply ash and dirt, then that
alone is holy enough.

-from sometime in 2014

The Will of the World

     A restless morning, with clouds lower down, moving also with a larger roundward motion. Everything moving. Best to go out in motion too, the slow roundward motion like the hawks.

     Everything seems slowly to circle and hover towards a central point, the clouds, the mountains round the valley, the dust that rises, the big, beautiful, white-barred hawks, gabilanes, and even the snow-white flakes of flowers upon the dim paloblanco tree. Even the organ cactus, rising in stock straight clumps, and the candelabrum cactus, seem to be slowly wheeling and pivoting upon a centre, close upon it.

     Strange that we would think in straight lines, when there are none, and talk in straight courses, when every course, sooner or later, is seen to be making the sweep round, swooping upon the centre. When space is curved, and the cosmos is a sphere within a sphere, and the way from any one point to any other point is round the bend of the inevitable, that tuns as the tips of the broad wings of the hawk turn upwards, leaning upon the air like the invisible half of the ellipse. If I have a way to go, it will be round the swoop of a bend impinging centripetal towards the centre. The straight course is hacked out in wounds, against the will of the world.

                                 -D.H. Lawrence from Mornings in Mexico

A Visitor

Today I heard a rustling outside of the open window of my little cabin.  I climbed down from my lofted bed and whatever had been there disappeared in a burst of blue and black.  My mind told me Steller's jay.  I waited at the window for a few seconds and it returned.  A beautiful big male, his black crest stretching high on top of his head as though he were the king of the whole world.  It is so easy to forget how large a bird can be until you see it up close.  The branch he perched on bowed under the weight of him, he pulled two leaves free with his beak, and then dropped them to the ground.  He moved on to another branch, chirped five or six times, and then vanished back into the forest.

I am grateful for the times when I am reminded that there is so much beauty in the world.  Try as we might, humans just can't snuff out the creative impulse that the world brings to fruition through life.

Happy Summer Solstice!

I am feeling particularly underwhelmed by life at the moment, but felt the need to do something to acknowledge the importance of the day.  For four of the last five years, I have had a fire for 24 hours in recognition of the Solstice.  Over each of these years, it has been somewhat different.  At times it was more like a party, other times it was a more introspective affair.  Usually, it was some sort of hybrid of the two.

For the last 9 months, I have been living in Olympia.  I moved here to go back to school and the cost of doing so was near total loss of my social life.  So, this Solstice I am at home alone with no one to celebrate with.  I am, perhaps, the loneliest that I have ever been in my life.  It is hard to muster the energy of celebration.

That said, the Solstice is still something worthy of celebration and I hope everyone out there who cares about such things is doing something special.  It is thundering and lightning here; a rare treat. As the sun went down this evening, the fast moving clouds seemed to catch fire, the whole sky varying shades of orange and pink.  There was even a rainbow.  For the first time since 1967 and the last time until 2062, the Solstice moon is full.  A special treat.  It is also the strawberry moon, which is the Algonquin name for June's full moon.  It is the height of strawberry harvesting time.

I will take this as a sign, that things are growing ripe in my life and should be bursting with sweetness soon!  If anyone happens to read this, I hope this prediction applies to you too.

Happy Summer Solstice.

!!!!!!gET TURNt-------gET WOKe!!!!!!

More from Mr. Watts.

a dawn chorus

It is June 8th, 2016.  It is 4:34 AM.  It is still dark but the birds are already welcoming the day.  Such optimism.  The Sun has yet to rise but the birds are singing their hearts out; a daily ritual of faith.  Not faith in god but faith that the earth will continue on its long established course. Faith that the Earth will continue to provide refuge from the cold expanse that surrounds us all.

Eloquent words on death.

For the last few years of my life, death has been a subject of great interest to me.  The ways in which we are taught (or not taught) to think of death in Western culture is, at least in my opinion, unhealthy. I came across these wonderful videos of lectures given by Alan Watts on the subject of death.  These words speak to my own feelings but I am not yet eloquent enough in my philosophy to express myself as well as Mr. Watts does.  Death is natural.  Death is right.  Death is liberation.

The Reintroduction of Wolves into Olympic National Park

For the last 6 months I have been enrolled in an Introduction to Environmental Studies program at the Evergreen State College in Olympia, WA.  As part of a research paper we created posters about a specific environmental problem and what could be done to fix it.  My research paper and poster focused on the feasibility of reintroducing wolves into Olympic National Park and the benefits this would have for the ecosystems found within that park.  Here is the poster that I made.  If anyone out there who looks at this has any interest in reading my paper, let me know.

2/26/16

"Trust God and do the next thing."-from a bumper sticker I saw today.

The spiders are laying eggs in the corners of my room.  If I leave them to hatch, my room will
be infested with spiders come Spring.  If I move them, they will likely die.  This, for me, is a moral
dilemma.  I truly respect spiders and try my best to treat them right; for me they carry mythological weight.

As I write this there is a very pissed off hornet somewhere in my room.  I'll admit that stinging insects
scare me a little.  It is February 26th and the flying insects shouldn't be out and active right now.  The weather conditions should not be right this early in the year but they are and here are the winged insects.  The world is changing right in front of us and most people are afraid to look.

Sometimes at night I hear coyotes chirping, sometimes the deer circle my room grazing.  A few days ago, I stumbled from my room in the middle of the day and startled two yearlings chomping on the grass.  One exploded into the woods, the other started, stopped and stared back at me.

I am quite lonely and under a lot of stress but luckily I have my little cabin to keep me safe.

Reflection

When we were in our 20's we all talked so much about community. Now we don't even communicate with one another except for an awkward email here and there.  We were all so young and full of shit and we didn't even know it.  We thought we had high ideals and now here I am, sitting in the same place I have always been, only now, I am alone.  Nearly everyone else has moved on and I just have to say, I miss you all.

Earth Music

and here's the thing that gets me......

Have you been paying attention to the news?  If not, let me fill you in.  Consider the story of Ethan Couch, a privileged 16 year old, from Texas, who drove drunk, plowed into a group of people killing 4 and injuring 11 others, including two of his friends.  Using the defense of "affluenza" he received 10 years of probation and was required to see a counselor.  In case you are unfamiliar with the term, Merriam Webster defines affluenza as. "the unhealthy and unwelcome psychological  and social effects of affluence regarded especially as a wide spread societal problem."  If you break this down in relation to Couch's case, it basically means that because he is wealthy, he was not fully responsible for taking the lives of 4 people.  He killed 4 innocent people and got a very light slap on the wrist. He is now in jail, awaiting trial for violating his parole and then fleeing to Mexico with his mother.

Or take into consideration the case of Martin Shkreli, a 32 year-old entrepreneur and millionaire from Brooklyn, New York, who purchased the manufacturing license for the drug Daraprim, which is used to treat people who are HIV positive.  After purchasing the license he raised the price of the drug from $13.50 a tablet to $750 dollars a tablet, most likely killing people with HIV with an especially cruel focus on those individuals who are both HIV positive and impoverished.  Now consider the traits of a psychopath, as described in the article Psychopaths: How can you spot one?, by Tom Chivers.  This list comes from the PCL-R, a psychological assessment, developed by Professor Robert Hare, to diagnosis pyschopathy.  "The list in full is: glibness and superficial charm, grandiose sense of self-worth, pathological lying, cunning/manipulative, lack of remorse, emotional shallowness, callousness and lack of empathy, unwillingness to accept responsibility for actions, a tendency to boredom, a parasitic lifestyle, a lack of realistic long-term goals, impulsivity, irresponsibility, lack of behavioural control, behavioural problems in early life, juvenile delinquency, criminal versatility, a history of “revocation of conditional release” (ie broken parole), multiple marriages, and promiscuous sexual behaviour."  (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/10737827/Psychopaths-how-can-you-spot-one.html)

It is worth pointing out that the media has fed us these stories, as some sort of entertainment.  The sensationalism distracts from the truth of the story, which is that we live in a world where wealthy people are able to very publicly display a level of greed, that either borders on or leads to full fledged murder.

I am not one to downplay the role of personal responsibility, especially in situations like this but in such cases it is also necessary to examine the culture which these people come from.  It is harder to say that some people are just born without any feelings of empathy, when the people in question are not from the outskirts of society but instead are from the segment of society with power in that culture.  In Western culture power is not earned through strength of character but instead is earned through greed and violence.

Now look at the bigger picture of this culture and the story it has to tell.  The narrative of the West is that we are the "conquerors".  We feel it is both our right and destiny to control the rest of the planet. This goes for other nations as well as the natural world.  We lust after submission, so that we can feel in control.  This urge to control trickles down class strata as a pyramid.  You have the apex made up predominately of rich, straight, white males and the base consists of those who stray the farthest from the demographic at the top.  In between you have everyone else at various levels.  The more attributes of the rich, white male you have, the closer you are to the top.  This is consciously structured, by those in power, with the hope that on each level someone will have someone to look down on, whom they can exert power over, with those at the bottom figuratively cannibalizing one another.  Keep in mind, this is only a story that we have been taught and it is a story, that once you remove belief, turns out to be completely untrue.

This urge towards domination is what allows us to destroy the very planet that sustains us and to destroy the ecosystems in which we live.  It is why we have deforested the planet, it is why we pump carbon into the air, it is why the planet is undergoing it's sixth great extinction event.  As Westerners, we are taught that we are in control and if we can't feel that control, we lash out in dangerous ways.  

I, as a member of this culture, acknowledge that I am a participant and enabler of this behavior as well as a victim of it.  I was born into an unhealthy society.  This culture didn't give me the rituals needed to integrate the large cycle of life and death and so I, along with the majority of my fellow Westerners, lash out at the Earth.

All of this is to make the point that the story that our society tell us has gotten off track.  Think of this behavior, from the affluent killers on down to the pollution we are all complicate in, as symptoms of a sickness.

If you are still with me, here comes the bright side of things.  Wherever you are, step outside. Look around you at the grass, the trees, the birds, the insects and even the other people.  Wherever you are, find something alive to look at.  If you are in a city, you may have to look harder but I assure you it is there.  Now slow down for a minute and consider the immensity and complexity of the creations of the planet.  Realize that you are an animal, that is a member of a diverse biotic community.  Look up at the clouds and back down at the ground and realize that this all real.  Unlike notions of heaven, this you can touch.  At the same time, realize how strange and mysterious this all is and allow your mind to not be overly rational, look for some metaphor and some poetry.  

Humans have always needed story to make sense of the world and one way that this manifests itself is in religion.  For a moment put away any notion you have of the afterlife, pull down any god or goddess you worship from the sky.  Sit in the mystery of reality and the intense beauty of the biology of life and death.  From out of nothing comes consciousness, we experience this consciousness, as do all living things, for some undetermined amount of time.  To a mountain this span of time would not even register but to us, it is this time that makes up a life.  When you die, the cellular energy that was you, will be recycled and carry on in body of whatever consumes you, be it  carnivore or bacteria. We are all part of a cycle that has been going on since the birth of this planet and even before that on into the deep depths of eternity.  

You share one form of consciousness with tigers, elephants, crickets, whales, dogs, owls, spiders, bears, horses, fish, mosquitoes, gorillas, turtles, pigeons and the list goes on and on and on.  You trade breaths with trees, flowers and grasses and these two experience some form of life beyond our ability to understand.  There are mountains and oceans and there is an atmosphere.  There are stars and clouds to look at and rivers to swim in.

Take all of that in.  Breathe deeply and really think about what you are experiencing by being alive on the planet Earth.

Reconsider the earlier story, the one that we were born into, the one that urges us to consume and destroy.  Don't you think we can and should do better?

Little glimpses of light.....

After a 16 year break, I recently returned to college.  I am now two quarters into an introduction to environmental studies class and one of the main things I have taken away from the class is a confirmation that my greatest fears are coming true.  The world is changing and it's most likely not going to be an easy transition.  Currents that have impacted the climate are beginning to slow and lose power.  Extinction is a very common event.  We are killing ourselves and we don't know how to stop.  These are some of the hard realities of being alive today and denial isn't going to be an option too much longer.  There are voices in my head that think that maybe I am paranoid or a little bit crazy or maybe I romanticize the role of the doomsayer.  In my head, as in the world, there is no more time left to question these assumptions.  The world is changing and it is our doing.

One fault of our culture is our unwillingness to look at despair and sit with it.  Another fault of our culture is that we do not know how to support someone who is sitting with their despair.  All of this must be a product of the fear of death that is part of the narrative of the West.

This is why small victories are important.  Small victories allow us to temporarily lay down the burden of fear and despair.  We must remember to take note when something beautiful is accomplished and allow that beauty to carry us through, a little bit further.

In many cultures we have developed a strange practice in relation to the arts, the award show.  A group of people, with neither eye nor ear to the pulse of deep culture, select which works of art, in various fields represent the best that "we" had to offer that year.  Usually, what this boils down to is which actors movie sold the most tickets and which song did corporate radio tell us was the best?  This is by no means a valid way to judge art and usually, anything posing any sort of challenge to normative culture receives no acknowledgement.

From time to time, something from out in the deep, pure blood of culture somehow makes its way to the surface.  There is an uproar in the media over the non-inclusiveness of the Academy Awards.  This is a valid critique of a worthless system but for the first time in 30 years and only the second time in history, a transgender person has been nominated for an Oscar.  This is made particularly exciting because the nominated musician, Anohni, isn't completely black and white about the idea of gender.  The medias primarily representation of transgender people has been very limited in it's scope.  There are men and women and it is okay to pick which one.  This is a great stride but for some people gender is more fluid. Anohni's expression of gender is something that is far more challenging to conventional notions of gender and doesn't dwell in the land of either or.

The song, which is nominated for best original song and is a collaboration between Anohni and J. Ralph, is from a documentary, Racing Extinction.  The film explores humanities role in the 6th great extinction, which is something that is happening now. The acknowledgement of climate change and mass extinction are themes that have lately been running through Anohni's music and unlike most protest music, her songs manage to be both poetic and beautiful.

Let's not forget the fact that she identifies as a witch!  In summation, a gender fluid, environmentalist, witch has been nominated for an Academy Award and there is something incredibly beautiful about that.  It gives me a little spark of hope that maybe, just maybe our culture can adapt and becoming something more beautiful.  It's unlikely but lots of small sparks are the building blocks for a fire.

It is always important to remember history and those brave first pioneers who first came and challenged the conventional thought of our culture.  In this spirit, please read about Angela Morley, who was the first transgender person nominated for an Oscar, all the way back in 1974.  

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Morley

Turnt uP

Out with the old, in with the new?

Today is the first day of 2016.  I am writing this from Orcas Island, an island in the shape of a horseshoe, one island in the archipelago of the San Juan Islands.  The air outside is crisp and cold despite the best efforts of the Sun.  The birds of the island fly by the window, to them it is just another day and the symbolic importance of the new year means nothing.

So, it is time to say goodbye to 2015 and send our hopes and dreams off into the not too distant future, where hopefully they will become manifest.  This last year was a rocky one for sure.  The new was littered with stories of violence, if it wasn't the police doing the killing, we knew to blame it on the religious fanatics or the mentally disturbed.  2015 was also the warmest year in the history books. Temperatures on Christmas Eve in New York City were in the 70's, just shy of where they were on the 4th of July.  As the year ended, many people in the southern parts of the United States, faced unsure futures as they watched their homes and possessions swallowed up by funnel clouds.  Unusually warm temperatures met with storms to create these tornadoes.  Scientific reports came out about the melting of Greenland and the impacts that the dumping of this fresh water into the seas may have.  Still, there are those out there who deny that we are living in a changing world, even though the evidence is clearly there, before our eyes.  We have come to a point in our human evolution where economic gain outweighs the importance of clean air, clean water and a viable future for our children and grandchildren.

We are now living in a geological epoch that many scientists and thinkers have chosen to refer to as the "Anthropocene", so called because of the impact of humans on the Earth's ecosystems.  We are also seated snuggly in the Holocene extinction or the sixth great extinction.  Extinction is a natural process of any ecosystem but, and I personally find this hard to bear, we carry the majority of the responsibility for this extinction.

So, this is where we find ourselves.  Where is there to look for hope as we fumble forward in the darkness?  How can we slow the impending ecological collapse?  What hope do we have to save ourselves from religious and systematic violence and terror?

I recently returned to college after a fifteen year gap in my education.  I just completed the first quarter of an Environmental Studies program.  During a conversation with other classmates, a student who is of Native-American descent spoke of the idea that earlier peoples had more respect for the environment.  He said that he didn't believe this to be true and that they simply didn't have the tools needed to exploit the planet in the ways that we do in this day and age.  Thinking on this, I came to a realization.  We are at a completely unique point in human history and have the greatest opportunity for positive change.  We have seen the dangers that the loss of enchantment with the world can cause.  We have seen what happens when we prioritize economic gain over the health of the ecosystems that provide us with what we truly need to live.

I hope this new year is one of clear vision and bold voices.  I hope for a shift in the way that we humans view the world, towards a more holistic way of seeing, where we recognize that we are one small part of a global ecosystem and that all life carries its own inherent value, equal to our own.  I hope that we all see our way to a more peaceful, just and carrying way of being in the world.  I hope for a recognition of the beauty that is the wild world and a letting go of the conceit that we have are worth of dominion over the world.

Happy New Year!