A Love Letter From Illinois

A few months ago, I had a dream about my maternal Grandfather, who died many, many years ago, when I was a young child.  This was an important event for me because with his passing, I was left grandfatherless.  I think the power of grandparents, as teachers, is greatly underestimated in our culture and I strongly feel the abscence of an older male, in my life.

When I woke from the dream about my Grandfather, I couldn't remember the specifics, only that he was the prominent figure in it.  Just after waking, a lightning bolt of thought ran through my head and I knew that I needed to come to Illinois and visit my Grandmother (again maternal) and spend time with the land from which I came.

I trusted my intuition and now I am here.  It is currently, 1:33 AM on Monday morning.  I flew in late Friday night and spent the first few days in a cold and Nyquil induced haze.  I spent the first night with my wonderful cousin Andrew, his awesome wife Karen and their beautiful daughter Stella.

The second day, I drove to my Grandmother's and immediately took a two hour nap to sleep off the effects of the Nyquil.  I usually only use herbal medicines and my body clearly was not happy with what I had put into it.  My Grandmother spends nearly all of her time at home, taking care of her 91 year old husband.  His health isn't so good and he can no longer walk.  His days consist of traveling, via wheelchair, between the bathroom, his bed and the dining room table.  It is a span of about 8 feet at the most.  That evening we were able to go out to dinner and I could tell that she loved the opportunity to leave the house.

Today, the third day (or second full day) I woke up and drove to my Aunt Heather's house.  She is Andrew's Mother and my Father's youngest sister.  Andrew and his family came down, along with his sister and her daughter Ava and my Aunt Denise and Uncle Dave.  It was a nice day of catching up and eating too much pizza.  We also went through a box of my Grandmother's things (she died just a few years ago) and I got some pictures of my sister and I when we were younger and a few pictures of my Dad as a child.  I also snagged a bible that has the birthdates of my Dad's sisters and brothers written in it. 

I am now at my Aunt Janet's (maternal) house for the night.  Tomorrow, I am going to hang out with her daughter Tammy and then the rest of the time is open for whatever it is I came here to do.

I have plans to go and spend some time sitting with the land at Starved Rock, visiting the farm that my Grandmother grew up on and trying to make sense of all the confusion that is family by talking with my Grandmother and hopefully learning some things from her.  I am curious to understand our family history of trauma and depression and to start putting together the puzzle of how this has been passed on to me.  My Grandmother, although in good shape for her age, is definently getting older and before her time is done, I want to hear some stories and get to know who she is on a deeper level. 

Whenever an older person passes from this world on to whatever happens next, they take with them a wealth of stories and knowledge that only they know.  This information used to be passed down from generation to generation but in our fast paced, technological world, this is no longer the case.  Having grown up many miles away from my Grandmother, there is not much time for me left to learn everything she has inside her but I am determined to know what I can before she passes on.

Hopefully by the time I leave here, I will have learned from her as well as this land, from which I sprung.  There is something about this place that makes sense to me on a deeply psychic level.  I have always felt and known it but never been able to put it in words.  I am familiar with the energy here in a way that I don't feel anywhere else.  I am curious to sit with that energy and let it show me what it needs me to learn.