There is an ache in my shoulders from breaking trees. The muscles pulled tight from the rise and fall. My legs still shakey with the energy of last nights tremblings. And all this time I was a ghost, haunting familiar terrain, where I shouldn't have been. In sleep, I have been aware of a warm, black presence that is in my heart but that I am only given seconds to caress. Death and sleep being so similar that sometimes the threshold blurs and you can float back and forth and find a true love dwelling there.
What would happen to a flower, if it chose not to bloom? To not uncurl and show it's center, the truest reflection of the sun. How would it dance with the breeze, a shy partner hiding itself in the corner of the room, hoping it's singular magnificence goes unnoticed? A subtle shift is all it needs to open up and become that living thing it was meant to be, a golden heart at the center of a stem.
A Three Lined Score
1. The sun hits it's zenith and instead of continuing West, returns East.
2. There is a zoo and it is on fire.
3. A hummingbird sipping nectar from a flower, freezes and falls dead.
A Sea Wall That Longs to Break
1) Why does it want to break?
2) What will happen when it breaks?
3) How will the breaking impact it's surroundings?
4) What will the wall be after it breaks and is no longer a wall?
5) What function will it serve in it's new form?
6) Will it miss being a wall?
7) Does it understand that once it isn't a wall, it can never be the same wall again?
8) Do any of these questions even matter to the wall?
I think it is safe for me to assume that anyone reading this is most likely someone I know and probably someone I know fairly well. Otherwise, you have better things you should be doing!
For years, I have had a near phobia quality relationship with the idea of dancing. The mere thought of it started my heart racing. It was not uncommon for me to feel the need to flee a social situation, when my much braver friends tried to goad me into joining them on the dance floor.
This all changed for me at a Halloween party, last October. I had ingested just the right amount of chemicals, was surrounded by just the right people and the music playing was just the right sort of music, to get my butt in gear. In the name of honesty, I will also mention that the fact that I was wearing a mask surely helped the situation. It was a great, triumphant, life changing night for me and when everyone else wanted to go home, I wanted to stay. Being to nervous to remain alone, I sadly made my feet stop moving.
Since this night, I have danced a handful of times and it has become my favorite thing to do. I have been dancing at least once over the last four weekends and there was even one weekend in there, where I danced on both Friday and Saturday nights.
This last Friday, I went with a dear and special old friend out to Soul Night. This is a monthly event that she has been attending for years. She even has a VIP token on her key ring, which gives her free entrance. This was the best night of dancing I have had yet. The music that the dj's played was amazing and had much more "soul" (which might seem obvious, seeing as it was Soul Night), than the electronic music I had danced to the two previous weekends.
Another important moment of this night, was my discovery of Dance Floor Love. There is something incredibly primal and animalistic about dancing. I have never felt more comfortable and present in my body. As someone whose self esteem isn't always the greatest, this can lead to some unfamiliar feelings of attractiveness. These feelings, coupled with the intake of alcohol can lead you to feeling completely smitten with someone, after only a few minutes of watching them dance, thus, you are in Dance Floor Love.
While we were dancing I noticed a young woman, who was wearing a baggy grey, workout shirt made out of some sort of stretch material. She had on shorts that I know must of come from a thrift store because they just don't make shorts like this anymore. Her hair was pulled tight into a bun at the top of her head. I'm not exactly sure why but something about the way she moved was completely stunning and beautiful to me. I spent much of the night trying to be in the same vicinity as her, in the hope that somehow we would end up dancing together. We danced near one another and even bumped elbows at one point. However, being me, I made no attempt to talk to her. In setting such as this, I feel incredibly worried about coming off as a sleazy guy. I think this fear stems from seeing lots of guys act sleazy and make women feel uncomfortable, so the idea of chatting someone up, is probably not something I will be doing any time soon. However, the whole situation was enough to remind me, how incredibly beautiful people can be, when they are comfortable in their bodies. People can really be stunning animals, when they allow themselves to be.
I now have added to the list of traits that I would like to find in a potential partner, a love of dancing. There is nothing that seems better to me than spending hours swaying in step, with someone you love, to the pounding of music. I'm sure my ex-girlfriend, who loved to dance and always hated that I didn't, would be a bit angry if she read this but we all grow and learn at our own pace.
So, of my three major identified fears, I have now made friends with two of them, the dark and dancing. Now all I have left to do is to figure out how I can befriend death and life should be a cake walk. I'm just noticing as I type this that all three of the major fears in my life begin with the letter d. Not sure why that is worth pointing out but there you have it.
